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Lab Assistant
Original Poster
#1 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 7:33 AM
Default Self Esteem/Self Confidence
Okay, first of all, I apologize if a thread on this has been started. I'm new to the forums and I did try searching to see if there was anything regarding this topic on the forum. With that said...

A friend of mine posted this quote :
"When our intentions toward others are good, we find that any feelings of anxiety or insecurity we may have are greatly reduced. We experience a liberation from our habitual preoccupation with self and paradoxically, this gives rise to strong feelings of confidence."
Dalai Lama


And in response, another friend posted another quote which he attributed to himself :

When we are truly sensitive towards others we can experience the person as they are without judgment. We can get out of the way of our own perceptions and ideas. Freeing the exchange to be meaningful and spontaneous without fear. Without judgment there is no fear, only complete acceptance in the now. A moment of endless possibility. To pay attention to another is the sincerest form of love. It is an invitation to live. "




Now, I agree wholeheartedly with those quotes and I wonder if anyone has any opinions in agreement or in opposition to those.
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Field Researcher
#2 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 7:39 AM
Self Esteem/Self Confidence doesn't necessarily come toward helping others. It doesn't involve anyone else but yourself in my opinion. Once you are content with yourself as a person, and accept yourself for who and what you are, only then can you really feel good about yourself. Helping others is a part of that I guess, but you don't have to help someone to feel good about yourself.

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. -Aristotle
Lab Assistant
Original Poster
#3 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 8:33 AM
I agree with you to a point. Yes self confidence does come from knowing yourself and being happy with who you are. That is very important and something I have noticed a lot of people are missing. However, I personally believe that a lot of what people are taught now (by "now", i mean at least the last 20 or 30 years - I'm just under 30 so that's all i can personally remember) is the "look out for number one" philosophy. Obviously you have to learn to take care of yourself and stand up for yourself but living by that rule alone usually leads to selfishness.

I think doing things for other people is very important and I have always felt awesome after helping someone else out. Even something as simple as giving someone some spare change. Now, I don't do things for other people JUST so I feel good about myself but it's a by-product. I think that's what those quotes were trying to portray.
Alchemist
#4 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 9:29 AM
Quote: Originally posted by spotlight-shure
Self Esteem/Self Confidence doesn't necessarily come toward helping others. It doesn't involve anyone else but yourself in my opinion. Once you are content with yourself as a person, and accept yourself for who and what you are, only then can you really feel good about yourself. Helping others is a part of that I guess, but you don't have to help someone to feel good about yourself.


i would say there's a difference to be recognized between accepting yourself and approving of oneself.

taking myself as an example, i grew up with image issues my entire life. my family made it their business to knock me down whenever they recognized that i felt good about being me....which was rare. long story, but lets leave it at this; if i had a choice, i wouldnt have been born the way i had.

in any case, that also sorta brings up the " only you can decide how to feel about yourself " thing, because im fairly sure that to a child, that doesnt really apply. youre not looking at yourself from an independent POV, and what others say DOES matter to you enough to sway your judgment.
and even for some adults, this is true. but i digress.

point is: even if i want to like myself, theres nothing in this world that i can do short of completely re-vamping my lifelong gathered/shaped ideals if i do not fit that criteria.

ive learned to accept that i am this and live with it, but i will never like myself.

its also an upbringing thing whether you feel good about helping others or not. personally, i dont feel any greater about myself than before after i had helped someone somehow.

i have two settings: medium confidence, and low confidence.
whenever i find that im in a low confidence moment, i take a minute to look around at all the other horrible human specimens. it helps to identify the disapproved of and the outright rejected. i feel better for it, but i never feel good about being me, as i will never truly fit my criteria of 'good'ness.

../ramble.

"The more you know, the sadder you get."~ Stephen Colbert
"I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance." ~ Jon Stewart
Versigtig, ek's nog steeds fokken giftig
Scholar
#5 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 5:05 PM
When you figure out what you want from life, how to reach what you want, thats where self confidence comes from in a broader sense.
What makes one person happy does not make another happy. People vary in what they want from life.


Quote: Originally posted by SuicidiaParasidia
feel better for it, but i never feel good about being me, as i will never truly fit my criteria of 'good'ness.

What are your criteria of goodness?

And what are peoples criteria for feeling good about themself here in generally?


"When the moon is in the seventh house
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars"
Scholar
#6 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 5:19 PM
So many people -especially young girls- find that confidence comes from conforming to some preconceived ideal that "everyone else" finds to be pleasing. Go to Yahoo!Answers, at any given time, you'll find at least 15 threads saying something like "Am I hot?" or "Which boy should I pick" based solely on image. Confidence doesn't come from other people- there's always going to be someone who doesn't like you or doesn't agree with you- but how can you really let yourself be swayed by that? That's not to say you should completely ignore constructive criticism, but you need to be sure in yourself and have your own opinions.

I think that for the most park, this kind of "group esteem" comes from the group mentality that most young people have- it's easier to just think what everyone else thinks and do what everyone else does than think on your own and do things on your own, to avoid ostracism.

I grew up in the bible belt, an awkward, overweight homosexual who was smarter than everyone else in her class, therefore couldn't relate. (it leveled out, trust me) If I had let all the insults and hate effect me, where would I be now? If I wasn't as strong, I may have ended up like Megan Meier.
Mad Poster
#7 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 5:52 PM
Quote: Originally posted by pare321
So many people -especially young girls- find that confidence comes from conforming to some preconceived ideal that "everyone else" finds to be pleasing. Go to Yahoo!Answers, at any given time, you'll find at least 15 threads saying something like "Am I hot?" or "Which boy should I pick" based solely on image.


I think there are real differences when it comes to age. Self-esteem and self-confidence mean different things to teenagers and retirees.

Once you get to know yourself (which often doesn't really happen until well into adulthood), your form of self-esteem probably changes. It's not about how good you look or what boy you've got on your arm anymore. It becomes more about what you've done with your life and how you've treated others. I can't speak for what happens when you get really old, but I'd guess that the concept of self-esteem changes a bit again. Like all those old ladies who wear purple and speak their minds and don't care what anyone else thinks. I don't know where that self-esteem comes from, but I'd sure like to know!

So, yeah... I think the concept depends, in large part, on a person's age and development.
Scholar
#8 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 8:46 PM
Quote: Originally posted by fakepeeps7
So, yeah... I think the concept depends, in large part, on a person's age and development.

That's definitely true. I was talking specifically about teenagers because I am one. Couldn't be sure about adults because I'm not one.
But I am aware that adults usually have much better self-esteem that teenagers.
Theorist
#9 Old 17th Jun 2010 at 9:27 PM
That's because, to varying extents, teenagers haven't yet settled into who they are. It's hard to be a cheerleader of yourself, when who you're going to be isn't developed all the way yet.
Field Researcher
#10 Old 19th Jun 2010 at 8:19 AM
Quote: Originally posted by pare321
That's definitely true. I was talking specifically about teenagers because I am one. Couldn't be sure about adults because I'm not one.
But I am aware that adults usually have much better self-esteem that teenagers.


Plus when you get older you also are more thick-skinned when it comes to criticism (including constructive) and less likely to give in to peer pressure.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people!
Theorist
#11 Old 19th Jun 2010 at 4:55 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Rectos Dominos
Plus when you get older you also are more thick-skinned when it comes to criticism (including constructive) and less likely to give in to peer pressure.

I don't know about that, but it's certainly something everyone should learn by the time they're in their twenties.
Inventor
#12 Old 22nd Jun 2010 at 1:32 AM
I have almost -no- self esteem (I can barely look in a mirror without crying, and unless I'm having a super day photos are out of the question) and as far as I know helping people doesn't make me feel any better about myself, but knowing my loved ones are happy, or that I've made a difference to someone makes me feel good.

Like what's already been said, self esteem/confidence comes from being comfortable in who you are and how you look. You can help people without being confident and you can be confident without helping anyone (in fact it seems the more confident someone is the more selfish they tent to be, at least, that's how it is where I live)
Scholar
#13 Old 22nd Jun 2010 at 2:39 AM
I think self-esteem comes from different sources for different people. It depends on your values. I feel better about myself when I do well in school, when I do community service, and when I make friends, among other things. I have some self-esteem issues about my appearance, but I have other things that I feel good about that counterbalance it for the most part.
Field Researcher
#14 Old 17th Jul 2010 at 4:08 AM
wow this thread is dead.

"When our intentions toward others are good, we find that any feelings of anxiety or insecurity we may have are greatly reduced."

I don't know if I believe this either. helping someone can certainly help us feel good yes but like others said it comes from within ourselves.
I know I am a good person but nevertheless I constantly would still pick on myself/have a shitty self esteem. It has gotten better over the years but I still have those moments sometimes.
I don't care how much good a person has done, if they've gone through a lot of crap their self esteem will be damaged for a while.
see I've generally become ok with myself as a person I think but I still think I look stupid..honestly I don't think I will ever like how I look in the mirror if I have to but I don't really like doing it. no matter what good I do I will probly never see beauty in my face and I won't see how someone else will either if they do.
people say that therapy helps these issues but really you can't even expect a therapist to make you feel good about yourself (I used to go to therapy but after a while I quit). again it has to come from you.

I think what it is, is you have to ignore what you don't like about yourself and focus on any positives.
that's what I try to do. I try to forget about how mentally deficient looking I am and focus how awesome I am on the inside (and also the little physical things that I like about myself like my feet or my ears)
 
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